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Hot Ones & the Psychology of Shared Suffering
Matt Deseno
July 22, 2025
If you’ve somehow managed to dodge it in your YouTube recommended…
Hot Ones is an interview show where celebrities eat progressively spicier chicken wings while answering questions.
By the end, most guests are either desperately chugging glasses of milk, crying real tears, or rendered completely nonverbal.
The show's YouTube channel has amassed over 14 million subscribers and 4 billion views.
But here’s the thing: This success isn’t based on pure masochism.
The real magic of Hot Ones is in how it brings its guests—celebrity A-listers—down to a human level.
Rather than seeing them as untouchable Hollywood hot-shots, we’re invited to witness them at their most raw and vulnerable.
We’re welcomed into their suffering.
Today, we’re diving into the psychology behind shared suffering—and why it's such a powerful tool in building businesses that not only disrupt patterns but also create deep, authentic connections.
PSST... A lot of you have been asking about my experience selling my AI chatbot biz ZappyChat.
I’m teaming up with Bryce DeCora from CloseBot on July 24th for a live webinar where we’re spilling all the deets of that acquisition + sharing the biggest thing that we see killing agencies rn.
Scroll to the end of this newsletter to register 👇️
Today in 6 minutes or less:
✔️ The Trap of Perfection
✔️ Humiliation Ritual or Team Bonding?
✔️ Steal These Tactics
🪞 The Trap of Perfection
There’s a temptation in business to act like you’ve got it all together.
Sure, humans are messy and imperfect…
But a business should feel clean-cut, organized, and as close to perfect as possible…
Right?
While it’s aspirational to always-be-improving and hold your hustle to a high standard, a perfect, sterile business is just not relatable.
It doesn’t feel real.
If we know anything about current marketing trends and the AI-saturated digital world, authenticity is king. 👑
Here’s the truth:
Good marketing = good connection.
Studies show that shared suffering brings us closer than almost anything else.
When we go through something hard together, we release oxytocin—often called the ‘bonding hormone.’
We can actually use this science to build stronger bonds and deeper trust in our businesses (ethically & not in an evil genius type of way)…
And it all starts with resisting the trap of perfection.
😬 Humiliation Ritual or Team Bonding?
Every time I’m in Dallas (which thanks to HighLevel’s HQ being there, is a lot more than I’d prefer to be 🤣)…
I receive an invite to F3.
It’s essentially a workout group with an intense built-in subculture.
F3 members will insist that they are NOT a gym. 🙅
In fact, they don’t even have a building. It’s just a group of dudes who meet every morning in a parking lot.
Brad finally wore me down and convinced me to join last time I was in town.
Immediately upon my arrival, I was labeled a “FNG” (friendly new guy) and inundated with all sorts of lingo and introduced to the “Q” (still not sure what that one stands for).
And boy—that first day? It was brutal.
Running back and forth, pushups, hip thrusts, and all sorts of movements that felt more embarrassing than they were beneficial.
But here’s the kicker: we were all in it together.
I felt awkward, but I also felt like I was part of something bigger. And that connection? It made all the discomfort worth it.
By the end, I wasn’t even thinking about how ridiculous the workout looked.
The lesson here: Shared suffering makes for stronger connection
What felt like humiliation in the moment turned into a powerful lesson about community and bonding.
The shared experience of feeling like weirdos together, of laughing at ourselves in the process, created a bond that wouldn't have been possible without that discomfort.
This applies directly to building businesses.
When we…
open up about our challenges
embrace imperfection
share the tough moments
…we’re not just building a business. We’re building a community. 🤝
Now, you might be thinking, “Great, Matt. But how does this apply to me?”
Fair question.
Let me break it down for you.
The real magic of Hot Ones and F3 isn’t in the pain or the discomfort itself. It’s in how they use shared suffering to build real connection.
And you can do the same thing in your business.
Here are a few tricks you can steal from Hot Ones and F3 to create a more engaged, connected, and loyal community around your brand. 🔥
1. Create a Challenge
One thing both Hot Ones and F3 excel at is creating a shared experience of discomfort. It’s not just about suffering for the sake fo suffering.
It’s about the bond that forms because you’re going through something difficult together.
In business, this looks like creating experiences that push your community or team outside their comfort zones. Whether it’s through a challenge, a high-pressure situation, or a shared goal, getting people to rally together around something tough builds camaraderie.
How to Do This:
Host a “behind the scenes” look at your challenges. Hit record next time you’re struggling through a workflow or building a funnel. Share a backstage look at a tough project, product launch, or problem you’re solving.
Create a challenge that invites your community to participate and share their own progress. Launch an August Growth Challenge, where you challenge your audience to get X number of new customers in a month using a lead magnet or a funnel you provide. Have them share their progress in a private FB group and build a collective sense of growth.
2. Use Lingo to Build Group Identity
F3 uses a lot of unique terminology, like “FNG” (Friendly New Guy) and nicknames for each member. At first, it feels isolating. But then, as you learn the lingo, you start feeling like you’re in the club.
In business, creating a unique vocabulary or identity for your community gives them something to rally around. It makes them feel like they belong to something special.
How to Do This:
Create your own language. Whether it’s a special term for your customers, a community-specific hashtag, or a term for their competitors, make sure your community has something they can call their own. This also makes outsiders highly curious when they see your lingo flying around. They’ll naturally wonder what it’s all about and seek to join.
3. Be Vulnerable and Imperfect
Shared suffering bonds us because it lets people be real and embrace vulnerability and imperfection. No one’s trying to look perfect. They’re just showing up as they are, flaws and all.
In business, there’s a temptation to present a “polished” version of everything. But when you strip away the shiny surface, real connections happen.
How to Do This:
Share your failures as often as your wins. Let your community see the real side of your business. This is why behind-the-scenes content is so powerful. It humanizes your brand. People want to see the “messy” parts of entrepreneurship, not just the polished end product.
4. Be Consistent (Even When It’s Hard)
F3 meets every single morning. No excuses. And that consistency is what forms the deep bonds between its members. When people know they can count on you to show up, even when it’s tough, that’s when loyalty and trust start to build.
In your business, consistency builds trust. And trust? It builds community.
How to Do This:
Stick to a content schedule. Whether it’s posting weekly updates, sending regular emails, or offering consistent value to your audience, being reliable keeps people coming back.
But also be consistent in your values. Let your community see that you’ll show up for them, especially when things get tough. The more consistent you are with your message and actions, the more your audience will believe in you.
5. Make It Fun
Finally, both Hot Ones and F3 know how to make suffering fun. There’s a deeper purpose behind the “suffering” that’s creating meaningful connections and relationships. You’re not making things uncomfortable for the sake of it. You’re creating situations that lead to growth and connection.
How to Do This:
Gamify your challenges. People love competition, but they also love a sense of achievement. Set up challenges where people can win something, whether it’s a free service, a discount, or something as simple as a shoutout.
Turn obstacles into opportunities. When your business faces a challenge, invite your audience to help you solve it. Create a sense of “we’re all in this together” by involving them in the process.
The Bottom Line:
Shared suffering builds community. It humanizes your business, makes you relatable, and fosters stronger relationships with your audience.
When you stop trying to be perfect and start embracing the messy, tough, and real aspects of your journey, you create deeper connections.
What’s the challenge you’re ready to take on with your audience?
What’s the moment where you can pull back the curtain and invite them to join you in the struggle?
Start there. Build the connection. And watch your business and community grow stronger than ever.
THOUGHTS ON TODAY'S MARGIN MAKERS? |
To profiting more and working less. 💸
-Matt
📦 THE TOOLBOX
It’s finally happening.
On July 24th at 11am Pacific, I’m hopping on a live webinar with Bryce DeCora from CloseBot…
Where we’re going to break down one thing that’s causing more agencies to fail than ever before.
Some are thriving with AI while others are stuck in a never-ending cycle of frustration. Yep, we’re diving into what’s really killing agencies right now.
I’ll also be sharing the real story of the ZappyChat acquisition, and how it ties into scaling AI the right way.
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